start afresh, know God as the God He is. not the God whom we think He is...

Monday, March 31, 2008//

its werid, how come since i am back from Batam.
I have not been feeling Peace.

Been feeling very easily agitated. very easily depressed. very easily tired.
no motivation, no burst of fire. no engine.

I wish, i can just take another alone break to sleep non-stop through the days.

I wish.

BUT sadly. i cant....cos i have to go to PLMGS later for a rehearsal....................
My legs are aching, God. I am so tired.

I am tired of even following-Up.
I serious have minimum patience. But Lord, you are the sovereign Lord.

And you have blessed and multiplied these 5loaves & 2fishes.
To fill the 5000 & with 12 buckets filled with abundance Leftover.

LET ME HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH IN THIS ISSUE - __________ _________
i know what this issue is. and i know that after these 2yrs, its STILL not solved yet.

KILL ME pls.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:35 PM

I think i have fallen a little for you.

Which i maybe shouldnt have.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
8:16 AM

A controversial issue.
Which is often hid behind every heart.

In the midst of darkness where it is shared & brought to shine, you are shocked.
To find out that most could be experiencing the same journey.

Some confront it upfront. While others suppress it.
Some stood there curious to find out abt the unknown.
Some explore the unknown to have a taste of it.
A few simply have the discipline to cast it aside.

Emotions are so real.
I guess, when you encounter it, you will know it.

Though I had a good retreat 3days back. God spoke a lot to me.
Yet, the active thinking me, still struggles with accepting willingly & with convictness for some areas.

As i returned back to this world Today.
I felt sad that i had to face all these worldly shit again.
The emotional struggles.
The mentally provoking expectations & comparisons.
The sin to stray away with the dark temptations.

Which i why, even the bible says that it is easier for a poor man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Or rather it is easier for someone who DID NOT put His trust in his riches to enter into the kindgom of God specifically.

An adult thinking, an adult desire, an adult curiousity.
And it is disgusting as this person says to me today, "I cant imagine she __________ & yet lifted those hands to worship God, lead CG & sing praises. The sight of it totally disgust me."

It is the craving to love & to be loved.
It is this hidden desire within that often sets this bush burning...and finally to a disastrous Fire.

I wish i can no need to come back to spore anymore.

Let me just migrate to the Moon.
Or some island to be away from everything.

To leave everything behind!

How irresponsible i am.

I am glad & very happy to meet her today! :)
After so long~ But glad, the Lord has blessed this frdship. Though we hardly meet. Chat & sms occasionally. But everytime we met, i always feel very comfortable.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
2:20 AM

My darlings! :)
Sunday, March 30, 2008//

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:34 PM

God's Way

"To the faithful you show yourself faithful; to those with integrity you show integrity. To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the wicked you show yourself hostile."

— Psalm 18:25?26

It is interesting how God came to different people in the Bible. To Abraham, God came as a traveler. Abraham was outside his tent when three messengers arrived. Two were angels, while one was God himself. We know that Jesus said, "Your ancestor Abraham rejoiced as he looked forward to my coming. He saw it and was glad" (John 8:56). Why did the Lord come to Abraham as a sojourner? That is what Abraham was.

The night before Israel began their siege of Jericho, God came to Joshua, the commander of Israel's armies, as Commander of the Lord's army.

When God came to Jacob, He came as a wrestler, and Jacob wrestled with Him. Why? Jacob was always fighting, conniving, resisting, and wrestling to get what he wanted.

Maybe you can relate to Jacob. Maybe there is something you want from God, even a good thing, like the salvation of a husband or wife. Maybe you are tired of being single and want to get married. Or maybe you want to serve God in a ministry.

Don't resort to conniving, because you may get what you want, but at a great cost. Jacob got what he wanted and paid dearly for it. I believe that if he had waited on God, he would have received what he needed and what God had promised.

God wants to do His will in our lives in His way and in His time. If you need something from God, be patient and wait on Him. God will meet you wherever you are to lift you to where He wants you to be.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
10:42 AM

He cares.
Thursday, March 27, 2008//

March 27, 2008

Dealing with Unresolved Disappointment

By Glynnis Whitwer

"'Take away the stone.' He said. 'But Lord,' said Martha, the sister of the dead man, 'by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.'"

John 11:39 (NIV)

Devotion:

Mary and Martha's brother, Lazarus, was sick. Really sick. In fact, they were sure he was close to death. So they called for the one man they knew could heal Lazarus. That was their friend Jesus.

Messengers found Jesus about a day's journey from the sisters' home in Bethany. But when Jesus got the message about Lazarus, He didn't pack up and leave immediately. In fact, Jesus stayed put ... for two more days.

It wasn't that Jesus didn't care. He did. Jesus didn't lose track of the time either. No, the Bible tells us that Jesus intentionally delayed going to help saying "... it is for God's glory, so that God's son may be glorified through it" (John 11:4 NIV). Jesus had a plan, but Mary and Martha didn't know that. All they knew was their brother had died and Jesus didn't come in time.

The sisters were clearly disappointed in Jesus' lack of response. In fact, they both told Him so. Martha chided Jesus first, then Mary fell at Jesus' feet and echoed her sister's words, "Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died."

Jesus knew their pain. He felt it too. In fact, the Bible says that Jesus wept with them. Together the group of mourners made their way to the tomb, and when they arrived, Jesus made an unusual request -- that the stone in front of the opening be removed.

The sisters were shocked. Why would Jesus make this request? Didn't He realize how bad the body would smell? Martha even told Jesus so, perhaps to "remind" Him that her brother had been dead for four long days.

Mary and Martha were devastated. Not only had their brother died, but they knew Jesus could have changed the outcome of their brother's illness. In their minds, Jesus abandoned them in their time of greatest need. The sisters were grieving the loss of their brother, but I wonder if they were grieving because Jesus hadn't done what they asked. In fact, they were so sad and discouraged, when Jesus made a move to help, they wanted to leave the stone in front of the tomb.

Have you ever been disappointed with God's apparent lack of response? I have. It's disheartening when you know God could immediately change the outcome of your circumstances, but He seems absent. So there you sit, in the pain, grief and fear while God delays.

Martha even seems to have given up and accepted her grief and disappointment. She was ready to live with the "fact" that Jesus didn't care enough to heal Lazarus.

However that "fact" couldn't have been further from the truth. As the sisters gave in and moved the stone, Jesus showed them just how much He loved them. In a loud voice Jesus called, "Lazarus, come out!"

Jaws dropped, hearts pounded, wails turned to screams of joy as a formerly dead man walked out of the tomb ... very much alive. Jesus had never ignored their cry for help. He didn't disregard their pain. He hadn't abandoned them. He had a plan that included a delay.

Sometimes God's plans for us might include a delay. As we wait, may we learn from this story to not give up, to not accept grief as our lot in life and to expect God to turn our mourning into joy. Remember, He's coming right on time.

Dear Lord, please forgive me for all the times I have given up on You, and believed You have abandoned me to suffer. Help me to trust that You have a plan to bring about my healing, and bring joy back to my life, even though it may not look like what I had asked for. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

Application Steps:

Identify an event that has caused you great pain. Have you resigned yourself to live with that pain forever? If so, choose today to believe that God can do something about it.

Reflections:

Has God ever delayed answering one of your prayers? If so, could you see His good plan in the delay?

How does waiting on God develop our character?

What should our attitude be when we are waiting on God to answer our prayers?

Power Verses:

2 Peter 3:9, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (NIV)

Psalm 17:6-7, "I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes." (NIV)

Romans 12:12, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
8:07 AM

It hurts.
//

I was shocked to read your latest entries. Not because i was shocked to know what you are going through. But i was shocked with your honesty.

But i thanked God :)
I believe He is slowly building u up. Through these period of revealing & unpeeling the outer layer of yourself. To be exposed, to be made vulnerable, bcos you choose to. You are willing :)

Let me share something about me in this very personal blog too.

I am scared to be loved, cos i know that someday at some point of time, this person will not be around when i needed him or her most.
I am scared to be loved, cos i know that man's love is conditional, & i do not want to see myself "working" to be loved.
I am scared to be loved, cos i hate to "feel" & start loving back, & i become so posessive with him or her.
I am scared to be loved, cos i do not want to love back & then my reliance & my dependence become 100% onto the person & this creates stress, irritation, fear etc on him or her.

It could be cos of this reason, I am always seen to be a very strong character, always self-sufficient, always near yet distant, sometimes cold & sometimes hot, withdrawing etc..

This inevitably cause me to activate my self defense mechanism to harden my heart & to hide away when i feel loved.

And the other thing is....
I need & i desire to be very successful in life.
YET, i hate it when ppl know that i am successful & they start giving me the attention & the big
"hoo-haa"

I hate it, cos i HATE the pressure to need to keep up to expectations from ppl around bcos I AM BOUND TO DISAPPOINT THEM.
And when it happens, my world collapses & i feel terribly lousy about myself as if i am a failure.
And i dont like ppl to know how successful i am, cos i hate it when they keep comparing with me.
And then bitter & envy feelings from them is aroused.
I hate to be in the limelight. I like to be low profile. No matter how successful i am.

I seriously hate disappointments.
Disappointments & expectations come hand-in-hand.
Thats why in my life, i strive so hard in everything...and that's why i tend to excel in my school work or my sports or my jobs.
Bcos my self worth is imprinted by my abilities, by my performances and by my feelings.

But i know the Lord did not make me that way.

Though it is painful, even right now to have to face the struggle again & again...
But i know I have to.

Thats why i decided to take a 3 days break to Batam, to align myself in the Lord again.
To find back my true identity in Christ.

No point going on in a journey that i am successful & i excel IF the Presence of God is not with me.

Somebody used it as her msn nick "I rather have the presence of God, than the present of God."

How true.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
3:10 AM

28th - 30th Batam View!! :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008//

Motorised Water Sports

Equipment	Half Hour	One Hour	Remarks
Jet Ski	S$50	S$95	Max 2 pax per ski
Water Ski - with Boat	S$35	S$70	Max 3 pax with boat & equipment
Wake Boarding	S$35	S$70	Max 3 pax with boat & equipment
Banana Boat	Ref:Remark column	Ref: Remark column	Max 5 pax S$5 per ride

Non Motorised Water Sports

Equipment	One Hour	Remarks
Canoe	S$4	Single/Double
Kayak	S$5
Snorkelling	S$15	Max 4 pax

Excursions

Acitivity	Rates	Remarks
River Cruise	S$15 per person	Min 2 pax per trip Max 4 pax per trip
No Man's Island	S$15 per person	Min 2 pax per trip Max 4 pax per trip
Firefly River Cruise	S$14 per person	Min 6 pax per trip Max 8 pax per trip
Gong-Gong Catching	S$ 3 per person per hour
Kampung Walk	S$ 15 per person per hour S$ 10 per person per hour S$ 8 per person per hour	Min 2 pax Min 4 pax Min 6 pax with coconut drinks and land transport

Foot Treatment

Gehwol foot Treatment (45 Min)

S$. 30.00++

Remember : your feet take you everywhere. To spoil your feet is also to spoil yourself. Gehwol is a reliable product to treat your feet and the problems of your feet, such as : feet cracks, skin fungus, warts, dried feet, and sweaty feet, painful nail growth and also crumbly nail. Gehwol is the symbol of " Modern Pathology " This German Product will revitalize your feet and make your next walk a pleasure.

Foot Reflexology (60 Min)	S$. 18.00++
Foot Reflexology is a popular Chinese massage, which focuses on the pressure points in the feet that are connected to other parts of your body to leave your feet feeling fresh and revitalized.

Pedicure & Manicure (60 Min)	S$. 46.00++
Our Pedicure & Manicure treatment will leave your toes, toenails, fingers and fingernails in beautiful condition making you feel more confident and elegant.

Kinasih Treatment ( 75 minutes )	S$. 45.00++
Our Kinasih Treatment is a special treatment to increase your, vitality, virility and refresh your body. This treatment combines methods from China, Indonesia, Japan and Sweden. All the products used in this treatment are pure Indonesian ingredients.

Ice Stone Massage (Hot & Cold Massage) (90 Min)	S$. 58.00++
Hot and cold massage is a massage technique to overcome: stress, depression, frigidity, impotency, constipation, etc. Especially useful to accelerate blood circulation, metabolism, muscle relaxation and to tighten the skin.

Massage

Shiatsu Massage (60 Minutes)	S$. 30.00++
Shiatsu is a Massage technique from Japan. The Masseuse's hands and feet press and massage your body. This Massage will revitalize you and increase your energy level

Sports Massage (60 Minutes)	S$. 30.00++
Sport Massage is great for active people and those who love sports. This massage relaxes your muscles and also stimulatesthem, easing stiff joints and muscles. This massage technique will also raise your spirits and you will feel it effects almost instantly.

Indonesian Massage (60 Minutes)	S$. 30.00++
Indonesian Massage is a relaxation massage which combines the methods shiatsu, sport Massage and Swedish massage. This massage stimulates blood circulation and the relaxation of your body

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
9:27 AM

My boyfriend, I MISS YOU! :)
//

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
5:13 AM

When God is included...
Monday, March 24, 2008//

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:32 AM

Lead me to Calvary
//

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:23 AM

Meng Yaw Baptism Photos. Praise the Lord!
Sunday, March 23, 2008//

I thanked God for the conversation i have with Tian-Xin on the bus jus now.
Its amazingly...haha...how i wish the bus will not reach your stop so far, so that we have the time of the world to share more.. :)

I have so much to say, that i dun know where to start.
I have so much to blog, that i dun know how to blog.

Even though, i am not saying bcos i have to say something, but instead cos i have something to say...

But i do know is that Lord...Grant me broken-ness.
But walk with me through this broken-ness season.
So that I will find the truth & the truth will set me free.

Grant me a tender heart, a broken Spirit & a contrite spirit.
Grant me strength & endurance to walk this journey, to complete this race.

Relinquish this Faith....reali much smaller than a mustard seed....
to continue to put my entire trust in You.
My entire confidence in You.

Use me like your clay Potter Jesus...

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
4:21 AM

It takes time & experiences for Faith to Grow...
Saturday, March 22, 2008//

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
10:48 AM

Interdepency.
Friday, March 21, 2008//

In my life.
The most scariest thing is in fact not feeling lonely or feeling unloved. or feeling small.

It is the feeling of disappointment & the feeling of inadequacy that scares me.
That makes me feel insecured.

It could be this disappointment that stops me from dreaming BIG for God.
It may be this disappointment that hinders me from dreaming BIG dreams for myself.
It is this exact reason why i feel the essential need to feel self sufficient, not to rely on others, not to count of others, not to want to feel loved, not to want to feel reliance & dependent on someone.
Because, i do not want to be make so vulnerable.
Because, i want to only trust & believe in myself....and strive with my own efforts to make things happen..

Sally prayed for me last sat when she sensed that " i am in this tribe, yet doesnt feel belonging to this tribe"

I do not know why she feels so, till now i still cant reali figure it out.
But i do know perfectly in my heart that it is about this "INterdependency" which i shared with Ms.Gan over supper.

My self protection mechanism comes when i start feeling too close with blurred boundary with me and someone.
My only way to protect myself is to harden my heart, pretend, avoid & ignore.
Maybe also b'cos i am a little prideful. Or yes, i am very prideful.
I do not want to feel the need to need someone.
I do not want to know the truth inside me (either my heart or mind) that I am weak & i cant go anymore & i am defeated....insufficient.

But the Lord is good & He has been teaching me a lot...revealing to me a lot, bring me through the circumstances deliberately & with the intention to help me to know the truth & to be set free.

Though, it is not easy DEFINITELY. BUT I am also learning to die to my self. Die to my thoughts & die to my emotions.

May i reali a emotional or rational person?
Both.

Since young even till now, i need to feel that i am in control & i need to be in control.
Else i will feel so loss, so insecured & so directionless & do not know how to proceed on & where to head to.

But God is definitely helping step by step in this year. To build this interdependency esp within my spiritual family.

Even my own family, i believe i can much closer to them now too. Esp after the Taiwan Trip.

As for the relationship & intimacy between me & the LOrd...
I am still in the process of learning to seriously be secured & enjoying His presence..Trusting in Him. Trusting in His providence. Trusting in His Faithfulness.

Help me to put my total dependency in You.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
10:37 PM

Wat a Name! Woot~
//

FAITH = My (Ong YY) Christian name!

HOPE = Mel Choo Baptism Name!

LOVE = Someone else....................! Miss.GAN LL!

Self Control (SC) = Sarah Choo Baptism Name!

Grace = Tang Huiyi Name!

JOY = My Tian-Xin's Name!

Gentleness = Sarah Hong Qiaoyun's Name! (SHhhhhh)

Peace = Shuyan's Name!

2 more names in the process of thinking of HW & Ms.Mindy! :)

Let's marry the FOO family....
to have.....

Grace-Foo.
Faith-Foo.
Hope-Foo.
Peace-Foo.
Joy-Foo.

Izzit that a lovely family??? HAHA.

I am soooo happyyyyy...We are 1 big family!!! HAHA :)

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:22 PM

More E4 photos!
//

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
9:51 AM