eyes wide shut.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007//
love is when you are able to give up everything unconditionally
and yet with no regrets
even if you are able to turn back the hands of time.
tiring.
reading adeline's blog & i realised how much i miss my sports. my trainings. my competitions. my team mates. the adrenalines. the tears & happiness & injuries.
met ivy jus now to pick up the backpack. i miss her.
what a great frd i used to have.
my flt to let her go. i am always lidat. always.
frds. relationships.
afraid to love, so i run. afraid to get hurt, so i shun. afraid to reciprocate, so i avoid & ignore.
i felt like a loser today.
lost all my confidence in all that i do.
fear can be overwhelming.
afraid and so i ran.
ran and realise i became too lost. seems like i cant be found back.
spoke to eugene alittle on Msn.
2person with the same frequency,with the same passion,with the same experience & journey that we have to face.
it's interesting.
somehow, sportsmans tend to be more mature & down-to-earth.
izzit?
i dun know. at least i felt he is one of my kind.
tired.
time to sleep. to close my eyes and not think.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
8:04 AM
OK, what God wants? maybe i'm not as strong as i tot i will be.
//
Dear Yan Ying
We would like to invite you for an interview session for the post of Team Leader, Operations in our Foreign Manpower Management Division, MOM.Details of the interview are as follows:
Date : 6 Feb 2007 (Tue)
Interview Time : 12.20 pm
Venue : 18 Havelock Road, MOM Building
People Matters Department, Level 4
Nearest MRT : NEL Clarke Quay Station
*************************************************
Dear Yan Ying
1. Thank you for your interest in joining the Ministry
2. We have reviewed your application and regret to inform you that we are currently unable to offer you a suitable appointment.
3. We wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
**************************************************
Lost in the rat race,
i already i will not get the job.
cos everything went wrong that day.
even during the written test on that day.
my essay typed. was lost. corrupted in the floppy disk.
wat's the probability of that happening?
anyway, stopped finding and sending resume for almost 1.5mths.
not that i am not thinking of this idea.
jus that i am lost.
but i guess the interview helps.
the question. "what do you reali want?"
i am still unable to answer that myself.
================================================
i wish i can take leave for the entire 1week.
seriously have no mood to go to work.
jus want to fly to the mood.
and to be alone.
HMMM.
alone again?
ok, i promised to start afresh, shan't run away anymore.
FACE IT GIRL!
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
5:23 AM
//
Genesis 1:27 & 31, “God created human beings; he created them godlike, reflecting God's nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them…God looked over everything he had made; it was so good, so very good!” (MSG)
Devotion:
My best four-year-old girlfriend and I like spending time together, so we grab every opportunity to hang out. Recently she spent the afternoon with me so I made a plan. Knowing that little girls enjoy simple crafts and lots of attention, I decided we would get creative and make snowmen. Instead of going outside to play in the snow, we sat in the warm house, looked out the window, and created a snow man family while sitting on the cozy rug in the den.
Rather than pack snow, we used white socks, batting, ribbon, markers, shiny sequins, and glass beads. I held open the sock and Morgan stuffed. I twisted and she pulled the top of the sock inside out, down over the “head.” I measured the yarn and she cut. While she held the stuffed sock, I wrapped the yarn around the “neck” and tied the “scarf.” She chose colorful shiny objects and I sewed on the sparkly sequins for eyes and buttons. Slowly, the figure took shape. Finally Morgan finished the project by drawing an orange “carrot” for a nose. Holding up the cute craft, we both exclaimed, “It’s finished!”
We smiled at each other and turned the little snow man around and around, admiring the work of our hands. Immediately we decided that the “man” was a girl. Then we realized that all the dazzle of the added accessories really made our creation look more like a princess. We renamed our project. We didn’t have a snowman. We had a snow girl princess.
Morgan hugged her new “friend” and kissed her. “She’s beautiful! I love her.” Then my little charge marched off proudly to show off her snow girl princess. First she took her to my husband. She couldn’t wait for him to divert his attention from the football game. She stuck the new toy in his face. “Look what I made.” When she returned to me she announced she was going to take the snow girl to school to show her to her classmates. She spoke to her new creation, “Everyone will want one just like you.” Then Morgan made a bold announcement. “I’m going to show you to Mommy.”
I thought to myself. “How silly that a grown woman and a little girl are all gaga over a simple little sock figure.” But then I remember that God fashioned Eve and presented her to Adam, and Adam was impressed.
God doesn’t have any problem admiring His creation or showing off. He brags about what He has made (Job 38-41), holds us close (Psalm 91), desires to live among us (Exodus 29: 46), blesses us (Genesis 1:28), loves us and even sacrificed Himself for us (John 3:16)!
Yet I struggle to accept that God loves me. It is hard to believe … what’s to love?
Then I watch Morgan delighting in her snow girl doll. I don’t understand. It’s nothing, lifeless, non-responsive, and insignificant.
Slowly, God uses this experience to teach me the truth of creation and it begins to sink into the depths of my soul. When God fashioned me, the Bible says He breathed His spirit into me. (Genesis 1:7). He loves me because a part of Him is in me.
I am not a quick learner. It takes many lessons to teach me; so once again, I think I understand God’s love for Morgan, you, and me. If two girlfriends can fall in love with a stuffed sock they created, doesn’t it stand to reason that God can fall in love with a woman made in His image?
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
5:07 AM
relationships.
Sunday, February 25, 2007//
work has been tiring recently.
but, glad that i am currently in some "mission project" that i am reali excited about..haha.
flying on sunday. excited? dun know. frds telling me how hot it is in adelaide. and i am getting scared.
regret? sigh. DUN KNOW. but do hope it will be a relaxing and fulfilling trip.
i hate it when some things unknowingly came inside me. without my approval.
i hate it when it's starting to get into me, then that i have to kiss goodbye.
that's why it's so impt to guide your heart and mind.
covering G1 is fun. fuxing,kim,hewin & alex ong are reali reali good company.
sincere. understanding.
mon-wed off days.
yet got so many errands to run & things to do before i leave on a jetplane.
having super moodswings at work, showing even my bosses attitude.
but i dun even give a shit.
which is bad.
but glad that Kelvin is becoming a nicer maskg engr. haha.
actually, it's funny.
so many ppl can haf so many diff pt of view of a person.
you might get swayed.
you might get influenced to tune into their paradigm.
but i get, only when you get down and reali know a person.
do not make any judgement yet.
ppl that you tot are nice, are perhaps, a "manufactured" one to any other ppl.
but all in all, i wonder, when will i allow it to come it. when will i allow myself to give it a try.
fannries been preaching to me alot abt some stuff over work.
relationships.
i guess, there is always a misalignment in understanding.
that's why my husband must be a christian.
ppl might not understand, but that's the 1 criteria that he must fit.
looks doesnt matter, but it's not everything.
ultimately, i am still a woman who needs a heart to live with for the rest of my life. not the pleasing of the eyes.
it doesnt work that way.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:58 PM
CNY coming~
Friday, February 16, 2007//
roller blading session was good with feiyin, aunna & kamay. :)
jus get to know 2more nice colleagues.
hmmm...maybe that's why raymond, aunna and rest are still staying despite 7yrs??
the company , the frds though ST sucks??
haha. no idea.
met the masking engrs at there as their boss was treating them.
adriyan was there too after their soccer match & movie marathron in the morning & afternoon with the mask & etch dudes.
after tuition, went to play pool with adriyan cos HE IS TOO BORED....poor guy. haha, all his chinese msia frds went back home liaos!
what shocked me was...HE IS ACTUALLY 34yrs!!
he totalllyyyy dun look like that age.
HMMM. btw, he is one of my travelling aussie mates this time round! the dude who will be driving prob almost the whole trip.HAHA.
he has reali GREAT photography skills.
but in case if you are wondering. NAH. i dun like him.
jus pure frds.
steamboat dinner coming soon at Beixuan hse??? have to reconfirm with the babes again mans.
tml gotta work. BORINGGG.. v v v sianssss.....
maybe gog to genting with dad and mum nx week? or nx nx week before i fly to aussie??
hmm...still need planning.
and yaps, mindy, congrats :)
reali glad to hear that everything went well for you for the posting practical test.
doctor Tay to be soon mansss~~
huiyi~ jiayou for your 2BIG assignments too :)
ever need a listening ear & always complain to me.HAHA.
and definitely candice zhu yanli! if you need a frd to sit the swing with you....to listen to the breeze and watch the sunset...HAHA. can give me a call too!!
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
3:45 AM
happy valentine's day! :)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007//
today went back ST to cover half day shift. 12pm-6pm.
didnt want to go back, but though ok lor, anywhere no plans in afternoon also, may as well go back earn OT.
somemore alywin can fetch me to HV later at work :)
so i END work at 6pm!! happiiii
zhimin,huiyi,shuyan,beixuan,sarah,mel & me!
Valentine's dinner at HV for the famous XO fish beehoon.
$60. actually it's much cheaper than what i expected.
the night was good.
spent some time catching up, besides those hi & bye and those holy sharing during CG.
for once, we are like humans. not holy saints.haha.
gelare was good too with all those recalling of our pasts.
thanks to shuyan daddy who took the effort to fetch EACH and EVERY of us home.
sengkang.yishun.hougang.buangkok.
we are deciding to hold another steamboat dinner at beixuan hse . AKATADA!
sat work whole day.
sun 7am-1pm.
tues work whole day.
then thurs,fri,sat.
soon...i will be leaving on a jetplane.
tml, gog to roller blade with aunna & 2other ST ppl whom i dun know at all.
jus tot it will be a good gathering since aunna asked. gif her face :)
then prob evening jus go home or think of somewhere to hang out.
fri, tuition 130-330. and then OT OT.
CNY coming. yet, dun feel a single thing.
i guess everyday jus feel the same.
but, i had a great time in alywin's car today as he fetched me to HV.
always had this very personalised feeling with him around. jus feel protected like dun need to worry lidat.
a big brother to me. a good counsellor. a good ppl to crap too.haha.
we are 2 of the same freq. rarely found in work.
where the rest are always so serious.
only the 2 of us.haha...joke and joke and joke.
:)
glad to know him this big teddy brudder!
not sure if he's intending to leave too.
BUT IF HE EVER LEAVEEEEEEE...i will feel so sad & lonely in ST le! :(
glad that you enjoyed yourself tonight huiyi "lao-gong"!
i saved my best and most precious day to pei you leii~~~ HAHA.
anyway, wat are frds for babe!
jus remember, if you ever need me, can always give me a call/sms or ask me out.
errr...if you ever want to drink, i can pei you, but you gotta drink alone le.
haha :)
pubbing & clubbing- i guess both of us jus wanan put an end to it. at least for now bah! :)
too old for that, though i've always been craving to go and dance.
those were the NUS & TH days....bashes. mambo.
i guess, i jus wanan laze ard at home comfortably.
then to go there and sweat & feel high.
a new start. a fresh start.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
7:51 AM
valentine's valentine.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007//
i was chatting with meilian over msn.
and she was telling me about this "family" man tat she has been liking for the past 3-4 yrs.
whoever is reading this blog entry now, if you get the hint...haha...yes, she is in love with you.
i was telling her to pluck out the courage to let him know abt her infatuation.
was telling her abt the incident where i suddenly found this courage within to tell it to willy.
He is the one whom i have madly fell in love for SO many years. it comes and goes.
so i was telling meilian, at that pt of time, i am seriously so sianz, that i jus felt like telling him how i feel whether he likes me or not. it seriously doesnt matter to me. or perhaps i could find the courage cos i dun reali exactly like him that much le.
i guess, i just want to fair to myself. to at least let him know how i felt.
i was recapping thr my past lives.
haha, lots of crushes.
chengda. yong song. hong seng. bangwei. willy. etc etc.
but like what i said, they are only crushes.
and most of the time, they attracted me the most during their matches, when they played reali hard to their own potential best. :)
and then there was baofen.
i guess, i was attracted to her cos she's one of those who showed confidence in me.
that night when she threw me the car key to drive to ABC market without asking any much was real affirming enuff.
she wasnt exactly "handsome", but i guess her wittyness attracted me too.
and of cos. her flirtateous-ness.
that's why i fell so madly in love with Mr.jeremy Ng back in NYJC too.
i dun fall easily in love.
crushes perhaps more.
i am afraid to love, cos i am afraid to get hurt.
when i feel love, i shun & i run.
i guess that's the only way to protect myself.
i am a hermit.
the more i cant get it, i more i crave for it.
till, the opposite reacts.
i jus want to avoid.
not playing hard to get. not pretending to be proud.
life is not just about BGR ppl.
it's about frdship. kinship. God's love.
i believe God has created in each and every one of us this craving for intimacy.
but only when you can be so securely secured in God, then you can truly love the other person.
temptation is great.
do not tempt others to sin.
do not do things that will misled others.
do not do things that could hurt the other person.
you are responsible for your own actions.
the greatest valentine's day gift is to love your partner. to appreciate.
to be loyal.
"for God so loved the world, that He gave His ONLY begotten son to die for our sins."
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
8:59 AM
my song.
//
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
ecause of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
7:30 AM
God defined life. i want to desire that.
Monday, February 12, 2007//
i went to ST for a damn stupid meeting today.
so many ppl werent there.
only me,the stupid up turn up. IN A RUSH somemore.
anyway, went to hougang mall to top up my farecard & saw this euroFan.
where all the europeans rides and fanfair were available.
i nearly wanted to jus walk in and hop into some rides to get some excitement and adrenaline rush.
but i decided to jus stand there and see 1 of the particular more interesting ride.
i waited stupidly for 10min.
the ride still haven start.
angry and impatient, i decided to bochap and walk away to the bus interchange.
along the way, even when i was crossing the road, i still have this lingering feeling.
i jus cant help it but kept turning my head back to see if this ride that i wanted to see has started....
i jus human are always lidat.
the more you cannot get, the more you cant let go and want to have a taste of it,
unless when you got it. there's no more interest anymore.
so, after i crossed the road, the ride indeed started.
it was something smiilar to top gun except it is like those octupus type, with rotating motion.
i tot, it's quite kewl.
and i was imaging myself in it.
as the climax and height and rotation angle picks up...those screaming and grabbing of my neighbuh arm and those sinkinghearts...haha..
i tot, it's time for me to give it a try.
until. God revealed something to me.
thought this seems to be REALI exciting. heartstopping and tormenting yet totally worth a try in a lifetime.
yet...it is meaningless.
it jus goes up and down. up and down. up and down. the pendulum cycle repeats.
your heart sunk as you came down from a great height. and this adrenaline rush repeats the same way over and over again.
somehow,it no longer felt exciting to me.
in fact, a boredom feeling overwhelm me as i still stood still at my position.
somehow, i felt many times those "fun" and "enjoyment" that i deemed as worth the excitment to go through. worth a once in a lifetime to experience may jus seem futile.
it doesnt last. it's stupid. it's meaningless and purposeless.
you DONT need excitement in your life to make it seems happening, like a life that is not wasted.
God dun define it that way.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
7:29 AM
proverbs 16:9
Sunday, February 11, 2007//
went to church with Hong Yan and i was happy :)
very emcouraged by her.
even though she is very inclined towards this faith, i do hope 1 day she will make the decision to dedicate her whole life to Jesus.
for once, i felt like an operator is a da-jie-jie to me.
all these while, it has been draining to run a pdtn line.
i felt like a nanny.
always have to pacify esp my operators.
God i am tired.
i need any phase of job.
i need to do some jobs that allows me to focus.
not to deal with m/c, trouble shooting, process issues, PR and persuading and pacifying operators.
i have a bad temper.
i dun like to see unfairness to others.
i dun like to see myself shouldering everything.
i dun like to see myself fighting this war alone.
i dun like to multi task and not being able to reach any ends.
i dun like to pretend to be the one that ppl want me to be.
i want to be true to myself.
i want to be true to you.
God.
proverbs 16:9.
"a man's heart plans his way, but God directs his steps"
(mindy, i used to send this sms to you before. not sure if you still remember.)
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
4:00 AM
i am sorry God.
//
finally, today God taught me a hard and harsh lesson.
i have never feel so guiltly before.
because of what i've done, it has brought pain, hurt, frustration, betrayal & fear to a good frd.
i sincerely need to apologise to my best partnering etch engr.
didnt expect things to come out that way.
i merely quoted you as an example why ppl want to leave.
the reason that is making everyone planting this tot in them.
but i learnt a lesson.
i believe God revealed to me tongue being the most fatal weapon.
it's a double edge sword.
i dun want to defend myself.
and i want to seek his buddy forgiveness.
very apologetic towards all the turmoil feeling that he is experiencing now.
seriously prayerfully hope he will get the job tml.
he will sign it and he will leave ST for good, to a greener and better place where he can find happiness.
as for me.
like what i shared during CG, i want to use my tongue for 3reasons.
(a) to praise God.
(B) to pray.
(c)to encourage & to love.
i am not gog to quote anyone as example from now on.
prob only in church or with church frds as examples of affirmation.
other than that, i will say no more.
tot it brought a horrendous encounter for me indeed, but i thank God.
at least, i learnt from my mistake.
God also brought me back to the deliberate decision to read His word daily.
15min per day and then wrote down my after tots and reflection on the book "LOVE" bought by miss.gan.
thanks Miss.gan.
mindy, all the best in your coming 2 weeks exam! jiayou.
jus remember, nobody is perfect. we cant change ppl. but we can change ourselves.
ppl can always be the same, but as long as we are able to better control and deal with our feelings, reactions & paradigm, somehow sitaution A will not seem as bad as before.
let's work towards all these.
those tongues, attitudes, bad temper, pride.
i continue to press on in this journey to try to become a better person.
Ruo Ma Ye Bu Shi Yi Ye Jian Cheng De.
valentine's day coming.
Mindy! hope to see ya there, i am free that day.
though i told you "should be", i would want to make this deliberate effort to go.
i need to force myself.
i need to make a deliberate action. :)
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
3:17 AM
my last straw.
Thursday, February 08, 2007//
finally, it was my last straw.
i feedbacked to my supervisor regarding my operators.
i am not there to complain nor to sa-bo, i felt i need to feedback after enduring it for so long.
they are seriously too pampered, too playful, too lazy.
they go for long breaks, go against an indian bay leader (racism) and push all the work to the other operators.
when the bay leader disallow them to do things (which is correct.), they are unhappy, they show face.
in fact, it pissed me off esp when they do this kind of disrespectful things to me too.
it's hate to love them and i so want to bo-chap and ignore them for good.
i feedbacked to supervisor and glad it's wasnt jus my prob.
he felt that too. even my diffusion engr felt the same thing too & considered it as "too-much" atitude also.
i am SO waiting forward to see what the supervisor intends to do.
it felt bad to be a evil person, but a lot of times, it must be done so.
i need to give the other operators some fairness.
been reading eejay blog & quite impressed by his latest blog.
this Godly man, no matter how strong he seems to be on the outside, has been thr a long lot of journey to come to this stage.
where he is fixing his heart onto the Lord.
a confidence man knowing his life purpose. his mission statement.
a serving man who goes out to serve and sacrifice his time to meet up and counsel their youth & frds.
he do it out of a passion & i think not everyone are able to reach thus far.
:)
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
10:44 PM
everything i lack, God has it.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007//
When God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and preach, Jonah went the opposite direction. The reason was that Jonah hated the Ninevites. Nineveh was the capital of Syria, and the Jews and the Syrians had fought with each other on many occasions. So when God told Jonah to go and preach to his mortal enemies, he basically said, "No way, Lord. I know that if I go and preach to them, they will repent, and You will forgive them. I don't want them to be forgiven. I want them to be judged"
****************************
i am selfish. and many times, i am like Jonah, i cant love. i have selfish desire. i am jealous & envious.
as i was reading the online devotion, i was caught by this verse.
"That blood not only paid the price for our sins, it put us in a family with a heavenly father who gives good gifts – who loves, disciplines, and is extremely patient because he has already forgiven."
i am impatient, but i have a God who is patient.
i cant love, but i have a God who is Love Himself.
i am ill-disciplined, but i have a God who disciplines.
if i surrender my life to Him, He will be my steering wheels on that highway.
no matter how impatient, how difficult it is to love & to be discipline, He will guide me & lead me ALWAYS in the correct path.
as long as i allow Him, as long as i am prepared to take on this journey, for good and for bad, He will be faithful.
God, sink all these into me. not jus in my mind, my heart.
conviction. i need it.
i dun want to be a recorder. pyscho-ing myself repeatedly. it doesnt work this way.
only knowing the truth will set me free.
renew my mind. dun want to "duo luo" anymore, i have already made up my mind to start afresh this year. help me to reach a greater height.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
11:15 PM
it feels good after complaining.
//
blue is my favourite colour.
i am pissed with a lot of things.
with myself.
i cant help but want to complain, KB, vent out my frustruation & bu-shuang-ness.
i know it's wrong, it's a sin, it's un-christ-like.
but i cant.
i jus want to shut myself from the world.
to escape from the world.
i am so pissed, and it perhaps seems like over small trivial stuff.
maybe it's PMS.
i cant make peace with the world, if i cant even make peace with myself.
i wish i can just sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up.
but i cant.
the more i cant jus drown myself in sleep, irritates me more.
the more i cant stop my double-mindedness makes me blood boiled.
i am way too impatient. it's been with me since young.
ppl telling, i know it, i cant help it.
i cant stand when ppl take their time.
i cant stand when i seem to be shouldering all.
i cant stand it when i wan to quit & yet i haf to make so much considerations.
i cant stand it when i am not only answerable to myself, but the ppl around me.
i cant it when i cant get what i want IMMEDIATELY.
sometimes, i get so sian tt i reali feel like challengin Him to jus take everything away from me like Job.
yet i'm afraid. cos obviously i dun want it to happen.
and i am afraid, watever i spelled it out on my tongues, it might happen.
it's irritating when i feel like rebelling, yet, i cant.
it's suffocating when i want to do something crazzyyy to vent my bottled up feeling inside (i have no reasons too), yet in the end, still finally end up, to be still.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
10:51 PM
My daughter, "what do you reali want?"
Tuesday, February 06, 2007//
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
hey take time to think n reflect
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
serious
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
it's very impt
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
take longer also nevermind
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
after u ahve a clear direction things become different!!!
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
u know ah .. since last year God has been asking me "what is it that you really want in your heart?"
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
i couldnt answer Him for so long
kelly ~ *{ His Grace is sufficient for me ~ Go deep, look far, ask BIG ~ dreamersmoversshakers.blogspot.com }* ~ says:
only until now i am clearer n more aware of wat's really impt to me and wat i want
***************************************************************
i went to MOM for interview today.
the person asked me, "so what do you reali want in life?"
of cos, i smoked without even blinking my eyes. i gotta show my confidence.
but on my way back, i was feeling. loss. confused.
i am totally no idea what i want.
if i dun even know what i want, how can i expect God to ans my prayers?
i was called back to cover 1/2 day OT today, cos colleague was sick.
at the end of the day, i felt like a loser. i reali want to give up fighting.
it's tormenting.
perhaps, i am reali not cut out to be an engineer.
i have and still have no idea what all the processes and m/c are doing.
i am definitely not impatient, harsh or too critical or compared myself too much with others.
i need to be true to myself.
adriyan, my tour mate soon, told me, a job change in 2yrs is considered as early, early to decide and job hope.
junidar, my tour mate soon, told me, i think you have lost your interest, and perhaps, engineering is not something that you reli want.
i mean,ppl can say all they want. give all their advice. but ultimately it boils down to me.
yes, frds like huiyi and kelly can tok to me. but to be frank, it doesnt reali help.
i am losing myself. losing faith. losing interest. losing my purpose.
it doesnt help when everyone seems to be leaving, cos i more i felt bad to leave my boss and fellow engrs behind, to "shou shi can ju"
i am tired. alright, perhaps i am PMS-ing.
perhaps, i need to channel my energy and time to other sources.
i jus want to drive on the road. in the middle of the night. listening to my class 95Fm.
to be dazed with the red,green & white lights around.
to drive aimlessly along the highway.
and jus think.
i need to lie on my bed, to jus empty my mind.
but i am too tired.
within 5mins, i will jus enter into my dreamland. sleep.
sleeping and eating are the best therapy.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
7:57 AM
memories.
Monday, February 05, 2007//
i was reading my hp past smses.
reminded me a lot of things.
those sweet sms sent by my frds.
those smses where ppl are so in awe and certain in God's faithfulness.
those smses that still bring a smile to me, knowing they are there & remembered me.
"Godliness with contentment is great gain"
i hate getting "touched", hate being loved, hate "feelling".
yet, at the same time, i admit i do craved for them.
a woman's heart. it's so hard to understand.
you want to be loved, and yet scared to be loved.
that's why you run away, to avoid getting hurt.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
7:48 AM
what is a Friend.
//
According to Aristotle, it is "a single soul in two bodies".
Henry Ford said that it is someone who brings out the best in you. It's a gift you give yourself. A friend is "God's way of taking care of us." A friend is "someone who knows the song of your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
Obviously we as humans place great value on friendship. We learn things from friends that we could not learn on our own. Each person has a story, life experiences that no other person can claim. And from these things we learn what we could not from any other person. Our lives are enriched by those we keep close to us.
Sometimes those relationships last a long, long time. But sometimes they come to an end. And sometimes it's for no apparent reason. This is something I've been mulling over recently. Why do friendships end? Or at best, drift. Obviously life changes and we have to adapt or get swept out to sea. But why is it that people move on, especially when there's not really a reason? This is something that I've just recently thought of and it's entirely possible that I'm completely off but here we go.
I think maybe the reason God allows us to drift apart is we are done learning what we could from that person and vice versa. You've fought battles together and been there in good times and laughed and cried and prayed and yelled. You've each taken something from your experiences together. But maybe we get to a point where we have to move on. It's not that you no longer like the person or you've had some big fall out. But you both need to move on. Because if you don't, if you stubbornly stick together and never branch out, other people will miss out on your wisdom. On what you have to offer to the story. And you'll miss out on what they have to offer.
Let's face it. You can only have so many good friends. Otherwise life just gets exhausting and complicated. (I'm not saying you can't be kind and loving toward everyone but true friendship takes work.) So what if you have to move on from that person that you've been best friends with for x amount of years because you have taught each other everything you can. And maybe that friendship with that person was preparing you for the next friendship. Maybe you wouldn't have been ready for the new friendship if you hadn't experienced that old one first. (This is sounding a little too predestination-y for my taste so let's switch trains a little bit.)
Friendships really are odd things. There are your accquaintences, the people you kinda have to be friends with, the people who you are their friend but they aren't really your friend, your good group of friends where you know acceptance can be found. Then there are the deep friendships where there's a special connectedness. Where your thought patterns become so alike that you don't even have to finish a sentence but the other person knows what you're talking about. Or they walk into a room and you don't even have to turn around to know that they're there. You can just sense it. I wonder what it is that makes each of those relationships what they are? What is it that makes you connect more with some people than with others? Things you have in common, sure. Similar life experiences. But I have quite a few people that I have things in common with or share life experiences with. The number of people that I feel that deep connectedness with, however, I can count on one hand.
I don't understand how and why it all works. Maybe I never will. But tonight, I sit here grateful for my friends. You have all enriched my life in different ways. I wouldn't be who I am without you. (So if I'm annoying, you have no one but yourselves to blame. ;-) )
"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." - Walt Whitman
"Friendship is always a responsibility, never an opportunity." - Kahil Gibran
"The best mirror is an old friend." - George Herbert
"A friend is someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway." - ??
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
7:45 AM
F.E.A.R is putting trust in the wrong things.
Sunday, February 04, 2007//
today was good.
FINALLY managed to meet up with doctor tay for a lunching date at airport!
thanks for the company mans babe :)
glad tat i finally found a little more courage to reveal the ugliness of me.
cos it means i am able to face it and accept it much better.
the Ben&Jerry is still a good reason why we should be angry with our TOOOPIIIDDD brother & sister.
haha, angry and yet i think it's damn funny.
watched proj superstar, kinda expected darren to win...his vocal is good...BUT...haha,not my type of cute guys.
xiaoping called half way & i counselled her for 1hr 40mins. though, i reali feel like putting the phone down to watch my show, i didnt.
i know she needed to vent her sorrowness to me..she needed a listening ear.haha.
STMicelectronics is driving her nuts.
her boss is mad & reali mean to her too.
hope she will find the path, direction she wants in life.
hope she will be able to find the job that she reali likes, before she reali decides to quit ST.
14th or 15th Feb, probably gog to organise a steamboat gathering at Beixuan hse.
it's been a long long time since i take up such initiative to do such stuff.
kindda feel wierd at first, but i think it's time for me to bring everyone together le.
we shouldnt be jus "hi and bye" or "so hows your life?" church mates.
it should be more than that.
when i need support, when i need to pour out to someone, when i need to find accountability, that should be the place that i can find like-minded ppl.
managed to tok to QY for reallliiii long.
man, behind the glamourous front of a doctor actually lies such crazy scenarios.
man, indeed, starting to see doctor in a very diff light le.
Perfect love casts away all fears.
need to love & need to recieve love.
like what miss.gan mentioned before...i must learn to recieve.
the more you are afraid of getting hurt, the more you run away.
the more vulnerable you are, the deeper you will end up with.
but, confidence lies in the Lord.
only when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, then, you are giving yourself a change. giving others a chance.
life is a struggle. yes it is. but we will run this Race 2gether.
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:59 AM
doctors. are Human.
Friday, February 02, 2007//
qiaoyun seems to be having a reali terrible time.
on call and on call.
sick and cannot take MCs, cos lack of manpower.
frankly saying,i am quite disturbed and stumbled by how hospital functions today.
arent doctor human too?
they are human . com'on.
the identity that they are a doctor, doesnt make them supernatural nor anything.
how can they treat someone? when they are already not in their best state?
MANs.
Miss.gan wants to meet me and shuyan tml.
asked her wat. she said want to update us on some confidential thing, and it is good thing, so dun want to tell me yet...... -_-'''
i never know miss.gan got this kind of hobby too...... HAHA.
world is gog crazyyyyyyy.........~
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
11:09 PM
the 1pair of footprints.
//
pastor roland went thr the well-known Gensis 3-11 yday.
it was toking about God's conversation with Adam when he sinned by eating the forbidden apple.
"where were you?" - intimacy.
"who told you?" - identity.
it seriously didnt come upon me to interpret the way how pastor sees it.
"where were you?" : God didnt jus ask Adam where is he geographically, but God was remorsely asking the Adam who God has created in the past, with so much obedience & faith & God-fearing spirit.
where is the Adam in the past?
He has disappeared.
where is the yanying in the past?
have I wandered far?
"who told you?" : it doesnt matter what other ppl says to you. it doesnt matter. what reali matters is what God says to you. it reali boils down to our identity in Christ. if whole world says you are a loser, but God says tat you are more than a conqueror. who do you believe? where do you put your confidence, trust & faith in?
many times, i prayed esp during the most difficult times of my life.
i prayed, and yet i know there was an anger.
somehow, i believe that God will not totally & exactly understand what i feel. how i feel.
cos He is not me. going thr all these.
but like the vision He gave me yday.
it was a vast land planted with wheats that were grown closely together.
the big wind blew strongly across this land, and the vunlerable(weak) wheats had no choice, but to sway in the direction of the wind.
yet. they are never uprooted.
they are anchored strong in the roots.
thr-out the seasons, it stood there.
yes. in our lives. God already told us that there will be tenptations, ups & downs. tribulations. sufferings.
but he also promise that He will be there to see us through.
do you still believe in the "footprint"?
when there was only 1pair of footprint on the sand.
you are not alone.
God has been carrying you throughout the journey. the downs, most diff times....
do you reali.reali.reali believe it?
--AbsoluteSApphire8--
1:05 AM
