start afresh, know God as the God He is. not the God whom we think He is...

tunnel of light. Light.
Saturday, September 30, 2006//

why should you have anger??
why should you have shame??
why should you be afraid??
why should you?
He gave you the freedom to rejoice.
He gave you the freedom to enjoy everything He has created for you.

my boss jus confirmed my employment in STmicroelectronics.
i wasnt reali over the moon.
i guess, it's expected kind of decision.haha.cos he trained us so hard, then finally we are able to run the pdtn minimally, i doubt he would want to fire us and then retrain another newbie.
he gave me & went thr with me for my performance appraisal.
he sounded like i am above his expected standards and above all those whom he had employed.
true or not? i have no idea.
but if it is. i jus wanan thank God.
cos i want to be the best rookie bcos of who He is. becos of who He has made me to be.
excited.
11th-12th Nov is coming.
sapphire is gog to get involved in some defining moments event!
finally...i always like to get involve in such stuff, but nv have the opportunity.

life is getting is littleout of my normal rythmn.
regretting? turning back? getting frustrated?
hmmm. yes. definitely.
but sapphire's not turning back.
no turning back.
i want to find back my God's rythmn in life.
but my personal rythmn.
everything's quite in a mess in my life right now.
yes. God is with me. He is in me.
but this mess,is more of a organisation & re-thinking through of some tots & issues in my life.
to get down to start working on the fundamentals in my life.

it's heartwarming when i surfed the blogs of my fellow christians frds.
it's so encouraging. so inspiring.
i seriously have no idea how to bring across such joy to you who's reading right now.
but, trust me. give it a try.
you will realise how futile your life will be mans.
there's seriously so much stuff that we can get our butts busy with.
there's seriously much much stuff than the daily routines you are forcing yourself to do.
give it up.
the biggest obstacle that is stopping you.is YOU.
overcome yourself please.

what more blessings can entice you other than serivng our father.
what eternal joy can you gain out of the worldly things that you are lusting after?

give it up.
the biggest obstacle is YOU.

i will be there to listen if you ever need.

all you need is 1 good reason. to turn back. to leave the tunnel of darkness.

"do you want it or not?"

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
12:05 PM

i walked towards that 1.5m.
Sunday, September 24, 2006//

this week has been a week of grace. & i thank God.
He tot me a lot a lot this week.
He brought me much closer to my colleagues.
He humbled me & taught me what it means to rely on Him & His Grace.
He gave me opportunities to learn.
He gave me love.
He sustain me esp yday, when i am so tired till i wanna break down & cry.
but i hold on to Him.

but yet, i am feeling very very guilty.
He is ever ever so forgiving & merciful & yet, i couldnt help it by keep sinning.
everyday i told myself, i must read the bible.
but i am reali reali reali so tired. that i brought my bible to work everyday. and i never have a chance to open it.
i told myself that i must be securely secured in Him, but still.
i went back to the way of the past.

sigh.

i reali want to go to church today.
but i seriously seriously cannot take it anymore.
i need to rest.

i definitely can stretch further to go to church.
but i let it go. i didnt take up the challenge.

if pastor & sally were there. they sure will challenge me and i know i will go.
cos i know i dun like to fail & disappoint man. which is wrong.
my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak.
i keep telling myself, i need and i want and i must go to church.
but my fatigue body is too draining to react to the prompting at the back of my mind.

though i always tell ppl, what we have belongs to the Lord.
and it is reali not by our power or might, but by the spirit of God.
but i still feel respsonsible for what i could have done.
i feel responsible to the ppl around me.
i dun think i am too harsh on myself.
neither am i looking myself too High & capable in a way.
i guess that's jus a very simple & naive heart that i have.
to hope and wish to see the best for the ppl around me.

i feel burdened when the ppl around me seems to be relying on me. but i thank God, cos He is using me as a vessel.
and i want to.

met up with kelly for a good gelare treat on tuesday at city link.
and jus like what i told you Ms.Kelly.
i reali want to live a life for Him.
i rather be made busy with the things that i am glorify Him, rather than those gritty things that i stressed over in my daily life. these are so futile.
and selfish.

i want to do something diff.
am i prepared?
well, i do not know, untili try.
but at least that's my heart.
i want to.
but i reali dun know if i can sustain with the work that i have having.

oh sure, you can sustain! cos God will give you the strength. He is your Rock.
yes. i know this will be the encouragement that i will be hearing from a lot of ppl.
but i need to experience it.
i need to buy it, to be convinced.
it need to sunk into my heart.

= the night is getting dark. with my curtains 7/8 drawn down. i stared into the 6cm gap so small & sadly could only wonder at the back of my mind. how's the sky and weather out there? what kind of sky has God given sapphire today? izzit reali dark blue? or izzit a little cloudy? have the stars start hunging themselves at their indivdual locations? or izzit going to rain? is God gonna give sapphire a very personalised rain? wat would it be to feel like this? =

i'm too tired & lazy to drag my body up and walk towards that window that is prob 1.5m away from me.
all i could do is to wonder & ponder.

but you see.
unless you are willing to take that 1 step.
that first step.
it saves all your trouble, agony & speculations to wonder what will happen?

yes. i picked myself up.
i walked over.

surprisingly what caught my eyes were not the wind nor the sky.
but this piece of land that is beening worked on.
some building is going to be built there.
could it be a CC? a lib? a sch?
no idea.

but it's interesting.
it seemed like when you are willing to take the 1st first.
you realise something that never come across your mind.
God created a more interesting vision for you.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
6:54 PM

Tuesday, September 19, 2006//

= it feels good after a feast.yes, it does help =

it's been a good day yday.
with the Rain. the Rain always give me a very personalised feeling.

been thinking about this particular verse from Romans,"the clay do not question the potter, "why do you make me so?""
couldnt ans it. and i also challenged God during service, why don't i deserve a right to ask Him so?

why do you make me so?

isnt it a personal right to understand it from it's creator? from it's potter?

and God. silently replied me this.

you can question, but you do not. you do not need.
becos, only when you dun see a need to question, thats' why you are securely trusting Him. bcos you have faith in Him. you know that everything that He has created is good, and for a good cause. that's why you do not even bother to ask Him why He make this or that.
it demonstrates submissiveness.
u do not question, cos you do not doubt.
submissive, entrusting everything into His hands.

oh man.
these 3 BIG words.
trust, faith & submission.
Oh My God.

yday, while i was bathing, this tot flashed across my mind.
MAN.
it has been 1yr & 3mths since i last go pubbing or clubbing.
so i miss it?
hmmm, yes and no.
i am happy, cos i do not go there to find joy or to find something to fill up this emptiness in me.
i do not go there to vent my stress or anger.
and i thank God.
i nv think that it's wrong to go pubbing or clubbing.
but once again, why do you have to go there? what good does it bring?
isnt there an alternative?
only we know. God knows too. nobody else knows.

i rather spent this few hours sitting in a cafe late at night. watching the crowd walking passed. drinking a cup of drink or jus thinking about some stuff. reading perhaps too.
i rather go the beach. to sit there to listen to the repetitive waves produced from those crests and troughs.
to gaze into the myriad stars in heaven.
to bring a frd and to tok cock sing song. or even to jus bring a frd, to sit there and be silent.
haha.
i think all these brings greater comfort, peace & constructive refreshments.

sapphire is looking for a long long break.
going to work on
20th to 23rd night shift.
then 25th, 25th going to cover day shift as OT.
28th to 30th as my normal day shift.
tired.

but i want to find JOY.
so many things that i want to do.
i want to go overseas. to play pool. to go to the beach. to go roller blading. to go to some cafe at night to sit and drink (no alcohol pls. haha) and definitely some other stuffs too (which i am not gog to mention all here.)

sometimes i feel a little sianz, when it seems like a lot of ppl are not doing very well.
sometimes, my prayer list gets so long...haha.
i get a little tired to pray.
sometimes, my prayer list gets so long, that my words get simpler and simpler.
ironically, its when i get so tired & yet i gotta pray, that my words become so simple, become so sincere.
no more big words, no more flowery language.
simple words uttered.

it saddens me, it disappoints me when i see ppl not doing well.
not tat i am doing very well. i'm struggling too.
but i think i rather see the ppl around doing well, living a fulfilling life for God.
perhaps,i wish they can push and pull me along, rather than me pulling and pushing them along.
cos it's always tiring to be the driving force.
or rather, it's tiring bcos i made myself the One. instead of Him the rightful One.
perhaps, this is what hy was saying.
cos i have been relying on myself. relying on my own strength that i am burning out. that i am finding no joy.
but i wonder how can i rely on Him.
it seems like i have never never ever ever reali reali done that before yet.

even right now, yes i am still listening to those sad korean songs.
ha. listening to the "stairway to heaven" song now.

but as i was listening, my memories were brought me.
remember to those chats i have with hong qiaoyun on her car.
the stuffs we shared and we discussed.
the deception that we used to have, or rather, it seems like, i still haven reali eradictated such false lies & deceiving tots in me.

woman.
we are always so brittle and fragile.
admit it or not.you may think you are strong.
but let me tell you. you are NOT as strong as you think you are.
haha.sometimes we do that, cos we need a motivational voice within us.
this voice that we tell ourselves that we are. hence, we will become.
not that it's wrong.
but is it dugging a deeper hole, to allow you to hide away.
to allow those truth be made blurry.

you may think that by being XXX,XXX,XXX,XXX & XXX will make you happen.
defintely, it does make you happy.
and i know that you will say," i wont regret. cos i know i will be happy."

on the day, when you return to Him, and watch this playback video of your life.
let me know,if you could turn back the hands of time.
what would u like to change in this life story.

pardon me. i am not trying to be holy and righteous.
but this is reali some stuff that i reali hope a lot of ppl can come to realise.
i wish i can make it clearer.
but i chose not to.
i rather do it in a more tactful way.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
2:26 PM

Monday, September 18, 2006//

it's too early to have PMS.
yet, my depression is coming.
and i wonder why.
must be those korean music getting into my vulnerable mind. my vulnerable heart.
it's making me sad. ha.
sigh.

e-mouth.
reali dun know how to express what i am going through right now at this very moment.
with the music played over and over again.
i can totally cry a bucket of water now.
but i chose not to.
not bcos i am strong.
but bcos i am a prideful girl.
cos, i dun want to be seem as weak.
that's why i am running away.

which is wrong.
which should never be the case.

hanging in dere.

maybe, i should be more discipline to stop myself from listening to those saddening music.
yes. those korean music.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
3:38 PM

-wat else can He do for you?-
Thursday, September 14, 2006//

went for a steamboat buffet followed by a splendid pool session with THY yday!
it was a good time toking and poking balls.
we seriously shld have more of these sessions mansss.
roller blading pls too.
HAHA.

today, i will be having my 1st night shift le.
this will continue for the next 2 weeks.
and this will be my first time running the show alone.
alone in the night.
but i know, i do not fear, for the Lord is with me. through this.

disappointment comes because you care for someone.
it hurts & disappoints you when you know that those whom you cared for are still living in the world of deception. they are still unable to see God's glory & blessing & grace for them.
it's always a battle between the flesh and the spirit.
but that shouldnt give you an excuse or a opportunity to use that to sin.
how many times, have we fall? it doesnt matter.
what matters most, is that each time you fall, you still pick yourself up, to be more determined to rise up for God. to persevere much more to fight that flesh.

busyness is not an excuse. stress is not an excuse. not an excuse to do what you are doing.
you could jolly well use that same time to do something more meaningful.
but you choose not to.
but it's ironic.
and i believe you know too.
the more you run away. the more you are caught in the race, not the Race.
the first step is always hardest.
give yourself a chance.
turn back to Him, and have faith.
Forsaking All, I Trust In Him.

been reading romans recently.
and from my chat with THY yday...indeed.
Faith is the most fundamental thinggy of all theories, big arguments, great promises, awesome abilities.
without faith, it's impossible to please God.

never compare.
cos God doesnt even compare.
so who are you to compare?
there's never been a basis for fair comparison.

never be envy.
for what should you be envy for?
the best thing that you see in others, may not be the best for you.
God knows what to give, when to give, and who to give it to.
that's when Faith comes in.
how secured and how confident you are in your God?

never be fearful.
for God did not give this fruit of fear.
but through His glory & His justification & His righteousness, all these fears should be taken away.

who says that man will not make mistakes?
who says that great man & successful man will be spare from mistakes?
what matters most is the journey. the process. never the result.
it is this journey, where we will acquire perseverence, character & hope.

it's time to surrender all for God.
to live for Him alone.
to know and experience His great love for you.
this wounds that are scarred on his body, this nail pierced holes in his hands...
most of all, the unbearable rejection, shame, hurt, betrayal, disappointment & being misunderstood...
what more can He do to bring you back?
what more can He do to make you secured in Him?
what more can He do?
tell Him.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
11:39 AM

-happy birthday to me-
Monday, September 11, 2006//

10th of sept, sapphire's bday.
for the past 2 years, my bday has always fell on a sat(which used to be my church day), but for 2 years, i was unable to celebrate in church, due to my hall DND.
haha...to be frank, i wasnt keen with gog DND, jus that i have to give face to my frds :)

finally, this year 2006, once again, my bday fall on a church day, which is a sunday.
i gave up gog to my cousin 1 month bday celebration at JUMBO and decided to go to church.
to be frank,i think the desire to want to go to church and worship Him, to humhble before Him was the sole driving force that brought me there.
not because, it's my bday, and i want to celebrate it there.
cos to me, bday is JUST but another day.
haha, not much diff la.

but it can be a little tricky...when you gotta meet so many ppl up for your celebration.
but i dun want to push them away too, cos when ppl make an effort to want to arrange time to meet me up, i should.

and i thank them, for as least it shows that i still play a little part in their lives.

very interesting, on my bday, it seemed like God gave a lot of ppl a lot of word.
to be frank, it's too much for me to digest le...

got once, i sms sharon to ask her, why there is nanjing, beijing & dongjing, yet there is no xijing...so...
sharon said that "xi-jing" is the place where God wants me to discover myself.
because, i am unique & special, for "xi" represents "xi you" which is unique & rare.
once, i find it, that will be my xijing.

miss.gan prayed for 2 Ys.
the 1st Y = yes. that i have always been saying to yes to God.
but for the rest of the journey from that day on, i need to complement it with a 2nd Y = Yield. to yield towards God, to manifest and demostrate it with my actions & words. inner transformation needs to have outward manifestation if you are truly transform by God.

angel prayed, and God gave her 4 Ss.
that is someting that struck me though.
Strength.
Stability.
Serenity.
Security.
i just at this point of time, these are indeed the 4 Ss that i needed.

cos'i remembered i told God last week, that it's very xinku to be like Jesus, to do everything heartily for Him and not to please men. to treat everyone like Jesus, to want to be a living testimony, to die to myself, and live for Him, for He is my God, my life, my all.
and He jus told me that shouldn't be the case.
for all these should be done with JOY. with JOY. you will be HAPPY serving the Lord.

after which pastor prayed, miss gan & angel also added in another BIG theme.
to sum it all up, it seemed like everyone agreed that God wants me to know that i am Special.
that my birth is not JUST another day. my birth is not a coincidence. my birth is not like another crying baby on this earth.
it means MUCH more to God.

3.40am, while i was sleeping, and i received a sms from Miss.gan.
haven reali processed the content of the sms, for it's too cheam.
i need God's wisdom to show me the truth.
for the Truth can only set me free.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
8:05 AM

September 4, 2006

Encouragement for Today

Principle #1

“Labor Day”

Rachel Olsen, P31 Speaker, Senior Editor of Encouragement for Today

Key Verse:

Genesis 2:3, “And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.” (NIV)

Devotion:

In 1882 cabinet maker Peter McGuire introduced his idea for a new holiday saying, "Let us have a festive day during which a parade through the streets of the city would permit public tribute to American Industry." A dozen years later President Cleveland signed a bill into law designating the first Monday in September “Labor Day.” For many Americans today is a day off work, a chance to cook-out and hang-out in the lingering warm weather of summer.

A day off from labor, however, was not a new concept when McGuire suggested his holiday of tribute to American workers. This concept of a day of rest was first declared by the Lord. In illustration, God rested the seventh day after creating the world and He deemed the day of rest holy (Gen. 2:2-3). He didn’t call it Labor Day - He called it the Sabbath.

Sabbath is a not a day of tribute to workers, it’s a day of tribute to their Maker. It’s a day to rest your body while renewing your mind by making the focus of the day your Maker and your relationship with Him. In the Jewish tradition, the Sabbath is the focal point of the week - not just a day of laundry or list-making to gear back up for the week ahead. The Jewish people spent three days preparing for Sabbath, and three days reflecting on what they had learned or encountered of God during the Sabbath. They were a Sabbath-focused people, and therefore a God-focused people.

Keri Wyatt Kent, author of Breathe, writes, “This creates a rhythm of life that puts our focus not on our stuff or our schedule but on the opportunity to meet with God.”

What does your Sabbath typically look like? Are you truly focused on God, beyond perhaps an hour or so of worship at your local church? Do you emerge from Sundays renewed and energized by who God is and what He can do through your life? Or do you get to the end of Sunday feeling tired and regrettably resigned to start another week of work?

Kent reveals:

“We are created in the image of God, and he modeled for us a way of life that makes sense for how we are created. Here’s how to dance the dance of life, he said: work, be creative, use your imagination, throw yourself into it, whether you are washing dishes, reading to your kids and running a household, or trading stocks, reading corporate reports, and running a business. …At the end of each day, stop. Take a rest, eat a good meal, get enough sleep, and refresh yourself. Take time to think about your day, to notice where God was in it and where you were blessed, and to say, “It’s good.” Then go back at it the next day. And after six days, take a whole day off. And say, “It’s really good.” Spend a whole day just pausing, just reflecting on how really good it is, and then start the dance again, at a sustainable pace.”

That sounds really good to me. May this Labor Day mark the day that you and I decide to become Sabbath-focused people.

My Prayer for Today:

Dear Lord, I want to honor You by practicing Sabbath rest. Show me how to live this way. Meet me there in my time of contemplation, reflection, and worship. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Steps:

Like the Jewish people, spend a few days this week preparing for the Sabbath. Shop and plan ahead for the day. Can you put a meal in the crock pot the night before? Perhaps purchase a new journal to begin recording your Sabbath day discoveries. Go dig out some Dominos or board games to play together as a family as you reconnect with one another at the close of the week.

If you desire more on this topic, see Keri Wyatt Kent’s book Breathe offered in the Additional Resources link below.

Reflection Points:

What do Sundays mean to you?

Do your Sundays look like your Saturdays except that you add church to the list of activities?

Is God prompting you to carve out a day to rest, bless your family, and focus on Him? Will you respond?

Power Verses:

Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (NIV)

Genesis 2:3, “And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.” (NIV)

Jeremiah 6:16, “So now the Lord says, “Stop right where you are! Look for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls.” (NLT)

Isaiah 40: 28-31, “The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths will grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (NIV)

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
7:20 AM

-car key-
Monday, September 04, 2006//

one night
it was raining heavily.
you drove passed a station.
and you saw 3 person.

(a) an old lady who is dying
(b) a doctor whom have saved your life before
(c) your dream lover...

who would you saved? if you could only fetch 1 person on your car.

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you should have passed your car key to the doctor (assuming he can drive), and ask the doctor to drive the old lady to the hospital.
while you?
you will accompany your dream lover to wait for the rain to stop at the station.

car keys.
sometimes, the car key has unconsciously become this very precious thing in your life that you are unable to let go... to give away.
you hold on tight to it, and crack your brain so that you can seemingly have the best of both world.

so what is this particular car key in your life?
do you know it? or are you pretending that there is no existence of this car key?
or you realise it and yet you refuse to admit that it is robbing you away from the many many more blessings and opportunities?

perhaps, it's time to hand this car key to God.
to let Him drive your life.
to finish this Car Race.

--AbsoluteSApphire8--
4:23 PM